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Cleanin up my closet

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

V for Vendakka

posted by Vic Vega @ 7:48 AM  
If movies with funny titles were the way to go, then we should be having Captain's movies ruling the roost in Hollywood (Sudesi, Thavasi etc)
Hugo Weaving was a decent actor. Think Agent Smith, think Douglas Jarding, think Elven King, but V?? Well its not the roman numeral five , but V - the superhero with the initial. Last heard Batman wanted B, but then B sounded too gay even for DC comics and they left the audience guesisng about the true sexual preferences of the masked superhero....until of course, his shindig with Robin surfaced on Youtube...but I am digressing.

V for Vendetta sounds more like a T Rajendar movie with all its play on words. Half way through, I seriously thought it was T Rajendar disguising his beard in a mask.
The outline goes more like this. Its the year 2020 where the Chancellor of UK not only spells nuclear but stuffs it up your arse by talking incessantly. The anti-thesis of the world accustomed to Bush. IF this is going to be the future, then someone let me out. Now there is some chemical mishap as usual by the government, which leaves our hero looking a lot like Justin Timberlake. Since in 2020, every other guy happens to be a pop star, our man does the next best thing - kills all the wannabe pop stars. Last heard, that in a private screening, V shows his face to Justin evoking the response of "hey man! where can I get a face lift surgery like yours?".

V for Viscous Penile Ooze

V looks for revenge. He kills all the people responsible for his fate - from the alien that gave him an anal probe and refused to remove it, to the sheep that refused to "oblige him" . In the meantime, he gets this colossal idea that he can also blow up a couple of buildings in UK cause everyone is doing that anyways.

V for Vandalism

V gets a wonderful idea that the best way to make a woman fall in love with you is to torture her. And not just torture, but scare the shit out of her to such an extent that she is reduced to a vegetable with enough intellect to watch Oprah all day long and think that you are the best thing since sliced bread. Once this is done, she becomes putty in your hands and you can ahead and use her for your more important activities like blowing up the parliament or picking your nose.

V for Vaginal Mutilation with a rusty nail

"People shouldnt be afraid of governments, governments should be afraid of people " - Any government would be afraid of you, if you hijack all the TV stations and broadcast images of someone looking like a cross between a KISS frontman and Condoleeza Rice, with the panache of a week old fungal infection, talking with the intones of T. Rajendar. Imagine having all the channels broadcasting this...and I cant stand one hour of Oprah every day.

V for Votha

The only thing worse than a clown in a smiling mask, is a clown without a mask. That honor goes to Stephen Rea who plays Finch or the chancellor of UK. All he does in the movie is yell, ham and shout. Someone has been watching too many of Sivaji Ganesan movies. If there is some person that really needs to be killed, its this guy. I mean he is the CHANCELLOR of a country which roughly tranlslates to dictator. Now dictators normally are charismatic , blood crazy idiots. Finch apparently has as much charisma as the dog that chases you every night when you reach home (those in Bangalore would be able to readily identify what I am talking about. The fortunate folks in other cities please bear with me.....I couldnt get a better comparison here).

V for Voiciferous Bastard

The fitting finale for the movie was when every single englishman turns gay (not very surprising to many - now its legal for faggots to marry there, in a couple of years its gonna be illegal for heterosexuals to marry).

V for Vindictive Faggots

Monday, November 14, 2005

List of sevens

posted by Vic Vega @ 9:44 AM  
Thanks to Rajesh for this and here goes...
Seven things that I plan to do

1. Not use the word "fuck" for 15 minutes
2. Kill Oprah, Britney and all the boy and girl bands on earth.
3. Kill all the pedophiles.
4. Open a temple for Pink Floyd.
5. Watch Rammstein, Audioslave, Greenday and Nickelback live. (Hey these are 7 thinks I plan to do, not Wish to do)
6. Kill faggots
7. Update my blog regularly.

Seven things I can do
1. Not use the word "fuck" for 15 minutes
2. Finish this fuckin list
3. Write a post-it note reminding myself of killing people who say stuff like "Sing in the rain" or "Watch the sun rise" when filling up these kinda lists.
4. Kill above mentioned people
5. Dispose of their bodies
6. Put a sledge hammer into the asses of people who listens to Britney
7. ---------This place is intentionally left blank------------

Seven things I can't do
1. Watch mushy crappy movies.
2. Read mushy crappy books
3. Browse mushy crappy blogs
4. Say mushy crappy stuff.
5. Drive without using the word "fuck" in Bangalore.
6. Accept Bangalore as city.
7. Not listen to music/

Seven things I say most often:
1. Fuck
2. Fuck you
3. Fuck off
4. Mother fucker
5. ohh Fuck
6. I dont give a fuck
7. Fuckin hell



Majaa - Old shit in a new pot

posted by Vic Vega @ 9:09 AM  
Yay! Another movie to finally review and that too a Diwali release. Life doesnt get any better these days!!
First things first..who on earth decided that Vikram is the next Kamal Hassan? Everyone nowadays seems to think that Ilaya thalapathi (coff coff) Vijay is the next superstar and Vikram is the next Kamal Hassan. Now our man Vikram takes things like these too personally and decides that he is going to do a "different character" in every movie. The only thing he ought to take personally is his costume designer who seems to have designed the same clothes for Vikram and Asin to cut costs. We had Vikram doing "split personalities" in Anniyan and everyone who watched the movie ended up splitting our hairs. Now he decides on a "fun filled family comedy movie" - except that :
-fun part is missing
-family part is missing
-comedy part ..umm to an extent
-movie part is totally missing.

The Indian movie industry is a cyclical industry. The malayalam movie makers copy from Bollywood, Tamil folks copy from Malayalam and Hindi folks copy from Tamil. Telugu movies are an exception. They make movies which would appeal to an yeast infection and has as much panache as a decaying moth ridden corpse.

Majaa is a tragic attempt at humor fuelled by the director's thinking that what works in Malayalam necessarily constitutes a good movie and would work in other languages. Heard that the audience response was "mixed". I guess the audience were feeling mixed seeing the movie as it has the same unsettling experience as you would expect when you are dangling from the top of the Petronas towers and you hear a slight rip which could only be from the ropes holding you.

Every now and then we have Vikram doing something with his hands and screaming "majaa". Someone please tell me what this particular gesture, which borders on the obscene, is supposed to mean. The only "majaa" is when the movie ends. There was one instance when I was really laughing in the movie hall and that was when my friend was saying something and the pepsi that he was drinking came out of his nose. Onto the story...

Vikram and Pasupathy happen to be two thieves brought up by another thief - Manivannan who collectively decide that they are gonna stop thieving and start annoying us with their idiotic overtures. So they buy a truck and start driving just as anyone who is an ex-thief-who-just-bought-a-truck would. Wonder of wonders the truck breaks down and they find themselves in a village which has the village idiot for the "naatamai". I-need-to-be-in-every-frickin-tamil-movie- Vijaykumar happens to be a guy in trouble and our trio helps him out. The hero rubs against the naatamai - friction...Hero marries the bad guys daughter and surprise surprise ...the bad guy isnt actually the bad guy. The original bad guy is the guy who was vying for the heroine. Fight. Hero wins. Curtains.5 stars for creativity and originality. If only I could have a rupee for every movie with this story line, I would have topped Mr. Gates by now.

Asin looks pretty as a picture.....a picture of a mutilated cadaver with flies hovering on top of it that is. She is an ok looker....but she tries hard to look ugly and succeeds pants down (pun not intended). As for acting...huh??? Pasupathy is the only saving grace in the movie and does a neat job. Manivannan is annoying as usual. Vijaykumar is annoying as usual too.

I watched the movie coz I wasnt getting enough kicks by screaming at banks helplines. You can watch the movie too, if you have such undue pressures like having this heavy need to crap but cant go. If you want some good laughs go rent a DVD of Thillu Mullu or Michael Madana Kaama Rajan and watch it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The intricate art of having a clean ass

posted by Vic Vega @ 11:23 AM  


Some things in life are worth the trouble. One of them is having a clean ass. I had to ponder on this particular topic when I "went" and found out that there was no toilet paper and no water to do the needul.
The most predominant ways of ensuring that you have a clean rump are:
   a)Using water
   b)Using paper
   c)Using finger (not usually recommended. In case of emergency, ensure that atleast you don't use the hand that you use for eating)

We, as Indians are proud of two things - Sachin Tendulkar and using water. Water has its own advantages
   a) You dont have to buy it
   b) You don't have to worry about it running out after doing the job. Although sometimes , like in my case this happens too
   c) Water doesn't have a propensity to burn. You can smoke while doing the job and needn't bother about things like the toilet paper catching fire. (Chances increase of toilet paper burning when you are in an inebriated state)
   d) The feeling of cold water on your bottom is a major relaxant. Scientists have confirmed that splashing water on your rectum leads to a happier sex life, drowns worms in the passage and can also act as a neural stimulant enabling you to think better. Now I really think that these guys are folks with too much time on their hands. Who on earth would commission a team to study people's wiping habits.
   e) The new fad of "health faucets" which propel a stream of water at a great speed on your behind is one of the inventions of modern era which would deserve a Nobel Prize. But those high handed bastards as usual have neglected this. Maybe if they have attached it to a USB source, we might have seen some deserving souls getting a nobel. Honestly why should we be really bothered about "quantum theory of optical coherence" when he have other urgent things to be bothered about.

Unfortunately the guys in the west have really lagged behind us in this intricate art. I seriously used to wonder what they used to do prior to toilet papers (these have been in existence for around 100 years tops). If toilet papers werent invented , here's my list of suggestions for them :
   a) Pictures of Oprah Winfrey. But then it would be hard to distinguish the poop from the pic.
   b) iPOOP - Apple's invention to clean your ass. A 499$ thingy that people would love to buy. You would have a click wheel which you would keep thumbing. Depending on how fast you rotate it, the device would extend and clean your behind. The latest iPOOP video would also jerk you off but Steve Jobs would insist that it is just an extra feature and the main feature is to clean asses.
   c) gShit- Available at gShit.google.com. Free service which would clean your ass through a broadband internet connection, but you would have to bear with annoying pop up banner ads targeted at the most inopportune moments.

Well enough of my ramblings on this "dangerous but irresistible pasttime". And remember : "After you take a dump, make sure you clean your rump" - Peace

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Hope

posted by Vic Vega @ 8:54 AM  
People dying,
Children crying,
Politicians lying,
Satan smiling...



I saw a lonely woman
feeding her son...
Wondering when the
hatred had begun..
A broken church spire
shatters spirits..
The old priest weeping,
doubts his beliefs.



Atheists praying,
And Sinners grieving,
Death bells ringing,
Day of judgment calling..



The shepherd was searching
for his scattered herd....
But the smoke in the fields
Made his vision blurred.
The time had come for
the prophet to return.
Looking at the garden
He cried in concern.



The Fire was burning,
proudly rising,
Machines turning,
And bodies burning..



The woman was still feeding
and the shepherd was still searching..
The priest was still weeping
And the prophet still crying
But all of them were wondering...
If this is what they used to call living..



Outside its still raining,
But times are changing.
The sun is peeping
and a rainbow is forming...


Monday, September 26, 2005

So Lame Namaste

posted by Vic Vega @ 1:17 PM  
Heres the tag line for the movie - Come lets get to know each other ......Outside the movie hall. Coz thats where I wanted to be when Preity Zinta starts screaming that she is pregnant. Holy Cow!!!! None of us noticed. Honestly we all thought that all the beer she's been drinking has started having effects on her belly. Either that or too much flatulence.
The web site for the film has an interesting link asking you to rate the film. And the only three criteria you can rate are Excellent, Good and Average. Someone must be having delusions about the movie. What about the other honest categories - Puke Worthy and Yash Raj ruined my date!!!!. Talking about delusions, the first week after release, it was declared a super hit and we had the cast talking about the movie being the greatest hit of their careers. Actually this might not be very far from thr truth if you count only the snotty cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat females, the -ooh-saif-is-so-cccuuuuuute females and the guys who think that Preity Zinta is the next best thing to sliced bread (I did like sliced bread once...but it gets moldy if you keep it for too long. Same thing has happened to this babe).

Heres a character list
1. Saif Hey-I-wanna-be-a-superstar-so-I-am-also-gay Khan : Plays Nikhil Arora, who wants to be called Nick. I wanted to call him a colossal Dick, but I wasnt allowed to name charactes in the movie. Sob. This guy thinks he is a dude and is so cool coz hold your breath and your tonsil operation HE IS A CHEF. Watches cookery shows on a huge plasma TV and takes notes. Is a celebrity and gets invited to the local radio station. How much "gayer" can you get? And our man isnt the stickler for time. Is exceedingly worried about becoming a dad. He says it is because of the burdens it comes with, but the audience secretly felt the real culprit would have been an erectile dysfunction. HOW COULD YOU BE PREGNANT AMBER? I HAVENT FUCKED YOU YET. THAT WAS THE CUCUMBER THAT I HAD USED ALL ALONG. Drives a compact car (which btw is the best performer in the entire movie) and thinks that he can pick up chicks by giving them a foot massage (someone has been watching pulp ficton).
2. Preity - I-used-to-be-cute-but-then-I-came-to-movies Zinta: Plays Amber. Hates to be called anything else. Works on being a surgeon because she is shown in a med school a couple of times and also because she keeps repeating that she is a surgeon. Is also a part time RJ and hates people who come late for her show. Is quite happy in a live in relationship with a guy she met 3 days back. There are women like this, but normally they charge on a per-night basis. Ok heres where it gets interesting. Preity has found that she isnt gonna survive if she doesnt go the usual oomph way and desperately tries to look sexy and even goes about on a couple of on screen kisses and love making. But her face is contorted. It is almost as if she is screwing the bejesus out of a slimy iguana (though I wudnt blame her coz a slimy Iguana would have been preferable to a slimy Saif). She tries to ooze oomph but all that she manages to ooze are her bodily fluids. Second half of the movie is when she starts looking like a gorilla with a gland problem. She is supposed to be carrying twins and hence her stomach. Good she wasnt carrying triplets or she would have probably looked like Godzilla with a gland problem except that the said Godzilla doesnt wax.
She has become so old that she has the same charm as a seven day old road kill. Probably she had opened up to more people than the movie ever will.
3. Arshad Warsi - Pbly the only character worth of note in the movie. Plays a goofy hen pecked husband. And also has a live in relation with his chick - He lives only when she is in. Marries an aussie, best friend of Saif and also soon to be proud father.
4. Javed Jaffrey: Yoda meet Ajith: "In liquid aaxigen put him you musst raaaabert". The most annoying character in the movie and the audience actually found him funny. If people find talking in bad english funny, some of the people I know would pbly get an Oscar for the Best Comedy performance.

Story Line:
Nick goes late to a radio show hosted by Amber. Start fighting. Yada yada, compromis , yada yada, start living together, fuck like jay rabbits. Wonder of wonders Amber gets pregnant. Wonder coz she thinks its coz of the faggot Saif . Both decide that they wont have the baby. Amber reconcile coz she sees a pregnant lady (Jeez) Decides tp have the baby. Nick hates the idea. Couple splits. Preity develops a tummy apparently coz of the baby. But I heard that when she pushed during child birth, there was a loud explosion and it took 7 days to remove the stench out of Melbourne. And most of the sfx money has been spent on Preity having a realistic belly. Again, last heard, the technicians made Preity wear a basketball with the underside painted skin color, and put a belly button on it to boot and spent the rest of the money on beer in Melbourne. THE JOKES ON U SIDDHARTH (director). Her costume reveals her naked tummy so that we can go ooh look at her tummy ..eww yuck gross. Anyways back to the story. Finally Nick feels that he is in love with Preity's tummy and then decides to reconcile. Usual heart wrenching dialogues etc and we have the couple reuniting in the end - couple in the sense - Saif and Arshad, Preity and Tanya. What were you thinking?
And as if this wasnt enough torture, we have Abhishek Bachan in a cameo. Someone needs to get a restraining order on the Bachhan family prohibiting them coming anywhere within 500 miles of a camera (including any cell phone ones). Seriously, wonder when will we ever have a hindi movie without a Bachhan in it?

I was actually moved to tears right after the interval. Not because of anything in the move, but because my friend ate all my popcorn and drank all the pepsi. Go watch the movie, if you are the types who cant get enough of the Karan-faggot-Johar movies, or those who go oooh-bollywood-is-soooooo-daring nowadays (errr just coz they show a couple living together? sheesh) or if you are into Sado-Masochism. Dont tell me I didnt warn you though :))))

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Breaking News

posted by Vic Vega @ 9:31 AM  
Check this link out... Cheap Bastards
Wouldnt be surprised if these pricks bundle the software with iTunes , so that iTunes would install only with this software. Look at the implications !!!. But if they are planning to ask people to voluntarily download and install it on their systems ..then tough luck. What next? Ask serial killers to promise on their mothers that they didnt murder? Like I read somewhere this is similar to giving a thief a match to set fire to the money he stole and also a gun so that he could shoot himself!!.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Chaos

posted by Vic Vega @ 1:45 PM  
Another post to crib and this time about the bangalore traffic. First of all bangalore as a city , doesnt have traffic, Its got madness. Scientists say that there cannot be something as a perfect chaos. Well, sadly none of these so called scientists have ever been to bangalore. I am sure that if the universe is born out of chaos, we must be having a couple of them bursting every minute in M.G Road. Trust me, drivers in bangalore have as much courtesy as a bull in a china shop.

Normally when I drive down to Bangalore from Chennai, I take the Chittoor route. The best way to know if you have arrived in Bangalore is by checking the roads. If you see a guy furiously digging his nose in the middle of the road, unmindful of the traffic jam he is causing, chances are you are in Bangalore. Actually it IS kinda tough, coz this would apply to people inside the AP border too. The way to distinguish is by looking carefully at whether he is also reading the newspaper while engaged in the ritual ...which is a definite giveaway of arrival in Bangalore.

Inside Bangalore, the best way to drive would be to close your eyes and sleep while at the wheel. That would make you even with the rest of the nincompoops. Sorry guru, I was sleeping at the wheel is an acceptable apology here. Here are some pointers to help you drive in Bangalore:
a)Signals are purely for decorative purposes. Some guy who designed the roads, took a long serious look and thought "Hey theres something missing here" and put a signal. Brilliant Einstein, but that happened to be a one way........dead end!!!!. So who cares? The corporation has a couple of extra signals and we got some free too!
b) If a driver in Bangalore, has an indicator flashing, dont think he is going to turn. Chances are it was that way, when he bought the vehicle.
c) If you are a pedestrian, the biggest crime you can ever commit, is waiting for the traffic to let you pass. The best way to cross a busy road is to take your cell phone, speak on it using one hand and wave at the nearby car with your other hand (as if the driver is a close friend) and just keep walking.
d) Learn to curse. The more colorful your language, the faster you can go on the roads. If you know to swear in 3 or more languages, you are the master of the roads.
e) Speed breakers are present not as a speed deterrent, but more so that you can get that exhilarating feeling that you are actually driving on a dirt track. The more tricks you accomplish on the speed breakers, gets you more points and lowers your tax.
f) The guys standing at the junctions wearing white and khakis are not actually cops. They are the guys appointed by the govt to ensure that you dont spend your hard earned money on booze or partying. Rather, they take it from you and invest in shares on your behalf. After 200 years, you get the money with interest. This investment is called as "bakshish", "bribe", "kuch de dho saab" etc.
g) If you see a bus on a road, dont get paranoid. Chances are that the driver is equally paranoid and cant tell the gas pedal from the brakes. The only two things that a bus driver stops for are buffaloes and a truck. The only thing a truck driver stops for is a buffalo. The only thing a buffalo stops for are cinema posters. Since, ever wall adjoining every road on the city is dotted with posters, every road has traffic jams. Since these buffalo's back is most itchy during 8-11 AM and between 5-7 PM, these are the times that the roads are maximum congested.
h) If a foreigner walks by you are expected to drop everything, including your appendix operation and stare at him/her. This is the most polite thing to do in Bangalore.
i) The majority of Bangalore's trade happens at signals. This is probably the only place in the world where you can everything from a Rubiks cube to Adidas sun glasses at your car step. If you can talk to them avoiding the beggars that is.
j) The autorickshaws that you find in the city are mostly for private uses. 99.9% of them operate only for the driver and his immediate family. If an auto does stop when you hail one, it is just because the driver is tired of driving and needs a beedi. On the rare occasion when an auto driver does agree to ferry you to your destination, then the normal fare is double the price shown on the meter. This is because of everything on earth - from rising gas prices to the dirahoeaa that his great aunt suffers from. Haggle only if you are prepared to walk back.

So if you are still bent on driving in bangalore .....then sit back, close your eyes, turn on the volume, read a novel and DRIVEEE......


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