Cleanin up my closet

V for Vendakka

2006-04-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

If movies with funny titles were the way to go, then we should be having Captain's movies ruling the roost in Hollywood (Sudesi, Thavasi etc)
Hugo Weaving was a decent actor. Think Agent Smith, think Douglas Jarding, think Elven King, but V?? Well its not the roman numeral five , but V - the superhero with the initial. Last heard Batman wanted B, but then B sounded too gay even for DC comics and they left the audience guesisng about the true sexual preferences of the masked superhero....until of course, his shindig with Robin surfaced on Youtube...but I am digressing.

V for Vendetta sounds more like a T Rajendar movie with all its play on words. Half way through, I seriously thought it was T Rajendar disguising his beard in a mask.
The outline goes more like this. Its the year 2020 where the Chancellor of UK not only spells nuclear but stuffs it up your arse by talking incessantly. The anti-thesis of the world accustomed to Bush. IF this is going to be the future, then someone let me out. Now there is some chemical mishap as usual by the government, which leaves our hero looking a lot like Justin Timberlake. Since in 2020, every other guy happens to be a pop star, our man does the next best thing - kills all the wannabe pop stars. Last heard, that in a private screening, V shows his face to Justin evoking the response of "hey man! where can I get a face lift surgery like yours?".

V for Viscous Penile Ooze

V looks for revenge. He kills all the people responsible for his fate - from the alien that gave him an anal probe and refused to remove it, to the sheep that refused to "oblige him" . In the meantime, he gets this colossal idea that he can also blow up a couple of buildings in UK cause everyone is doing that anyways.

V for Vandalism

V gets a wonderful idea that the best way to make a woman fall in love with you is to torture her. And not just torture, but scare the shit out of her to such an extent that she is reduced to a vegetable with enough intellect to watch Oprah all day long and think that you are the best thing since sliced bread. Once this is done, she becomes putty in your hands and you can ahead and use her for your more important activities like blowing up the parliament or picking your nose.

V for Vaginal Mutilation with a rusty nail

"People shouldnt be afraid of governments, governments should be afraid of people " - Any government would be afraid of you, if you hijack all the TV stations and broadcast images of someone looking like a cross between a KISS frontman and Condoleeza Rice, with the panache of a week old fungal infection, talking with the intones of T. Rajendar. Imagine having all the channels broadcasting this...and I cant stand one hour of Oprah every day.

V for Votha

The only thing worse than a clown in a smiling mask, is a clown without a mask. That honor goes to Stephen Rea who plays Finch or the chancellor of UK. All he does in the movie is yell, ham and shout. Someone has been watching too many of Sivaji Ganesan movies. If there is some person that really needs to be killed, its this guy. I mean he is the CHANCELLOR of a country which roughly tranlslates to dictator. Now dictators normally are charismatic , blood crazy idiots. Finch apparently has as much charisma as the dog that chases you every night when you reach home (those in Bangalore would be able to readily identify what I am talking about. The fortunate folks in other cities please bear with me.....I couldnt get a better comparison here).

V for Voiciferous Bastard

The fitting finale for the movie was when every single englishman turns gay (not very surprising to many - now its legal for faggots to marry there, in a couple of years its gonna be illegal for heterosexuals to marry).

V for Vindictive Faggots

List of sevens

2005-11-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Rajesh for this and here goes...
Seven things that I plan to do

1. Not use the word "fuck" for 15 minutes
2. Kill Oprah, Britney and all the boy and girl bands on earth.
3. Kill all the pedophiles.
4. Open a temple for Pink Floyd.
5. Watch Rammstein, Audioslave, Greenday and Nickelback live. (Hey these are 7 thinks I plan to do, not Wish to do)
6. Kill faggots
7. Update my blog regularly.

Seven things I can do
1. Not use the word "fuck" for 15 minutes
2. Finish this fuckin list
3. Write a post-it note reminding myself of killing people who say stuff like "Sing in the rain" or "Watch the sun rise" when filling up these kinda lists.
4. Kill above mentioned people
5. Dispose of their bodies
6. Put a sledge hammer into the asses of people who listens to Britney
7. ---------This place is intentionally left blank------------

Seven things I can't do
1. Watch mushy crappy movies.
2. Read mushy crappy books
3. Browse mushy crappy blogs
4. Say mushy crappy stuff.
5. Drive without using the word "fuck" in Bangalore.
6. Accept Bangalore as city.
7. Not listen to music/

Seven things I say most often:
1. Fuck
2. Fuck you
3. Fuck off
4. Mother fucker
5. ohh Fuck
6. I dont give a fuck
7. Fuckin hell

Majaa - Old shit in a new pot

2005-11-14T09:09:00.000-08:00

Yay! Another movie to finally review and that too a Diwali release. Life doesnt get any better these days!!
First things first..who on earth decided that Vikram is the next Kamal Hassan? Everyone nowadays seems to think that Ilaya thalapathi (coff coff) Vijay is the next superstar and Vikram is the next Kamal Hassan. Now our man Vikram takes things like these too personally and decides that he is going to do a "different character" in every movie. The only thing he ought to take personally is his costume designer who seems to have designed the same clothes for Vikram and Asin to cut costs. We had Vikram doing "split personalities" in Anniyan and everyone who watched the movie ended up splitting our hairs. Now he decides on a "fun filled family comedy movie" - except that :
-fun part is missing
-family part is missing
-comedy part ..umm to an extent
-movie part is totally missing.

The Indian movie industry is a cyclical industry. The malayalam movie makers copy from Bollywood, Tamil folks copy from Malayalam and Hindi folks copy from Tamil. Telugu movies are an exception. They make movies which would appeal to an yeast infection and has as much panache as a decaying moth ridden corpse.

Majaa is a tragic attempt at humor fuelled by the director's thinking that what works in Malayalam necessarily constitutes a good movie and would work in other languages. Heard that the audience response was "mixed". I guess the audience were feeling mixed seeing the movie as it has the same unsettling experience as you would expect when you are dangling from the top of the Petronas towers and you hear a slight rip which could only be from the ropes holding you.

Every now and then we have Vikram doing something with his hands and screaming "majaa". Someone please tell me what this particular gesture, which borders on the obscene, is supposed to mean. The only "majaa" is when the movie ends. There was one instance when I was really laughing in the movie hall and that was when my friend was saying something and the pepsi that he was drinking came out of his nose. Onto the story...

Vikram and Pasupathy happen to be two thieves brought up by another thief - Manivannan who collectively decide that they are gonna stop thieving and start annoying us with their idiotic overtures. So they buy a truck and start driving just as anyone who is an ex-thief-who-just-bought-a-truck would. Wonder of wonders the truck breaks down and they find themselves in a village which has the village idiot for the "naatamai". I-need-to-be-in-every-frickin-tamil-movie- Vijaykumar happens to be a guy in trouble and our trio helps him out. The hero rubs against the naatamai - friction...Hero marries the bad guys daughter and surprise surprise ...the bad guy isnt actually the bad guy. The original bad guy is the guy who was vying for the heroine. Fight. Hero wins. Curtains.5 stars for creativity and originality. If only I could have a rupee for every movie with this story line, I would have topped Mr. Gates by now.

Asin looks pretty as a picture.....a picture of a mutilated cadaver with flies hovering on top of it that is. She is an ok looker....but she tries hard to look ugly and succeeds pants down (pun not intended). As for acting...huh??? Pasupathy is the only saving grace in the movie and does a neat job. Manivannan is annoying as usual. Vijaykumar is annoying as usual too.

I watched the movie coz I wasnt getting enough kicks by screaming at banks helplines. You can watch the movie too, if you have such undue pressures like having this heavy need to crap but cant go. If you want some good laughs go rent a DVD of Thillu Mullu or Michael Madana Kaama Rajan and watch it.

The intricate art of having a clean ass

2005-10-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

Some things in life are worth the trouble. One of them is having a clean ass. I had to ponder on this particular topic when I "went" and found out that there was no toilet paper and no water to do the needul.
The most predominant ways of ensuring that you have a clean rump are:
   a)Using water
   b)Using paper
   c)Using finger (not usually recommended. In case of emergency, ensure that atleast you don't use the hand that you use for eating)

We, as Indians are proud of two things - Sachin Tendulkar and using water. Water has its own advantages
   a) You dont have to buy it
   b) You don't have to worry about it running out after doing the job. Although sometimes , like in my case this happens too
   c) Water doesn't have a propensity to burn. You can smoke while doing the job and needn't bother about things like the toilet paper catching fire. (Chances increase of toilet paper burning when you are in an inebriated state)
   d) The feeling of cold water on your bottom is a major relaxant. Scientists have confirmed that splashing water on your rectum leads to a happier sex life, drowns worms in the passage and can also act as a neural stimulant enabling you to think better. Now I really think that these guys are folks with too much time on their hands. Who on earth would commission a team to study people's wiping habits.
   e) The new fad of "health faucets" which propel a stream of water at a great speed on your behind is one of the inventions of modern era which would deserve a Nobel Prize. But those high handed bastards as usual have neglected this. Maybe if they have attached it to a USB source, we might have seen some deserving souls getting a nobel. Honestly why should we be really bothered about "quantum theory of optical coherence" when he have other urgent things to be bothered about.

Unfortunately the guys in the west have really lagged behind us in this intricate art. I seriously used to wonder what they used to do prior to toilet papers (these have been in existence for around 100 years tops). If toilet papers werent invented , here's my list of suggestions for them :
   a) Pictures of Oprah Winfrey. But then it would be hard to distinguish the poop from the pic.
   b) iPOOP - Apple's invention to clean your ass. A 499$ thingy that people would love to buy. You would have a click wheel which you would keep thumbing. Depending on how fast you rotate it, the device would extend and clean your behind. The latest iPOOP video would also jerk you off but Steve Jobs would insist that it is just an extra feature and the main feature is to clean asses.
   c) gShit- Available at gShit.google.com. Free service which would clean your ass through a broadband internet connection, but you would have to bear with annoying pop up banner ads targeted at the most inopportune moments.

Well enough of my ramblings on this "dangerous but irresistible pasttime". And remember : "After you take a dump, make sure you clean your rump" - Peace

Hope

2005-10-05T08:54:00.000-07:00

People dying,
Children crying,
Politicians lying,
Satan smiling...

I saw a lonely woman
feeding her son...
Wondering when the
hatred had begun..
A broken church spire
shatters spirits..
The old priest weeping,
doubts his beliefs.

Atheists praying,
And Sinners grieving,
Death bells ringing,
Day of judgment calling..

The shepherd was searching
for his scattered herd....
But the smoke in the fields
Made his vision blurred.
The time had come for
the prophet to return.
Looking at the garden
He cried in concern.

The Fire was burning,
proudly rising,
Machines turning,
And bodies burning..

The woman was still feeding
and the shepherd was still searching..
The priest was still weeping
And the prophet still crying
But all of them were wondering...
If this is what they used to call living..

Outside its still raining,
But times are changing.
The sun is peeping
and a rainbow is forming...

So Lame Namaste

2005-09-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

Heres the tag line for the movie - Come lets get to know each other ......Outside the movie hall. Coz thats where I wanted to be when Preity Zinta starts screaming that she is pregnant. Holy Cow!!!! None of us noticed. Honestly we all thought that all the beer she's been drinking has started having effects on her belly. Either that or too much flatulence.
The web site for the film has an interesting link asking you to rate the film. And the only three criteria you can rate are Excellent, Good and Average. Someone must be having delusions about the movie. What about the other honest categories - Puke Worthy and Yash Raj ruined my date!!!!. Talking about delusions, the first week after release, it was declared a super hit and we had the cast talking about the movie being the greatest hit of their careers. Actually this might not be very far from thr truth if you count only the snotty cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat females, the -ooh-saif-is-so-cccuuuuuute females and the guys who think that Preity Zinta is the next best thing to sliced bread (I did like sliced bread once...but it gets moldy if you keep it for too long. Same thing has happened to this babe).

Heres a character list
1. Saif Hey-I-wanna-be-a-superstar-so-I-am-also-gay Khan : Plays Nikhil Arora, who wants to be called Nick. I wanted to call him a colossal Dick, but I wasnt allowed to name charactes in the movie. Sob. This guy thinks he is a dude and is so cool coz hold your breath and your tonsil operation HE IS A CHEF. Watches cookery shows on a huge plasma TV and takes notes. Is a celebrity and gets invited to the local radio station. How much "gayer" can you get? And our man isnt the stickler for time. Is exceedingly worried about becoming a dad. He says it is because of the burdens it comes with, but the audience secretly felt the real culprit would have been an erectile dysfunction. HOW COULD YOU BE PREGNANT AMBER? I HAVENT FUCKED YOU YET. THAT WAS THE CUCUMBER THAT I HAD USED ALL ALONG. Drives a compact car (which btw is the best performer in the entire movie) and thinks that he can pick up chicks by giving them a foot massage (someone has been watching pulp ficton).
2. Preity - I-used-to-be-cute-but-then-I-came-to-movies Zinta: Plays Amber. Hates to be called anything else. Works on being a surgeon because she is shown in a med school a couple of times and also because she keeps repeating that she is a surgeon. Is also a part time RJ and hates people who come late for her show. Is quite happy in a live in relationship with a guy she met 3 days back. There are women like this, but normally they charge on a per-night basis. Ok heres where it gets interesting. Preity has found that she isnt gonna survive if she doesnt go the usual oomph way and desperately tries to look sexy and even goes about on a couple of on screen kisses and love making. But her face is contorted. It is almost as if she is screwing the bejesus out of a slimy iguana (though I wudnt blame her coz a slimy Iguana would have been preferable to a slimy Saif). She tries to ooze oomph but all that she manages to ooze are her bodily fluids. Second half of the movie is when she starts looking like a gorilla with a gland problem. She is supposed to be carrying twins and hence her stomach. Good she wasnt carrying triplets or she would have probably looked like Godzilla with a gland problem except that the said Godzilla doesnt wax.
She has become so old that she has the same charm as a seven day old road kill. Probably she had opened up to more people than the movie ever will.
3. Arshad Warsi - Pbly the only character worth of note in the movie. Plays a goofy hen pecked husband. And also has a live in relation with his chick - He lives only when she is in. Marries an aussie, best friend of Saif and also soon to be proud father.
4. Javed Jaffrey: Yoda meet Ajith: "In liquid aaxigen put him you musst raaaabert". The most annoying character in the movie and the audience actually found him funny. If people find talking in bad english funny, some of the people I know would pbly get an Oscar for the Best Comedy performance.

Story Line:
Nick goes late to a radio show hosted by Amber. Start fighting. Yada yada, compromis , yada yada, start living together, fuck like jay rabbits. Wonder of wonders Amber gets pregnant. Wonder coz she thinks its coz of the faggot Saif . Both decide that they wont have the baby. Amber reconcile coz she sees a pregnant lady (Jeez) Decides tp have the baby. Nick hates the idea. Couple splits. Preity develops a tummy apparently coz of the baby. But I heard that when she pushed during child birth, there was a loud explosion and it took 7 days to remove the stench out of Melbourne. And most of the sfx money has been spent on Preity having a realistic belly. Again, last heard, the technicians made Preity wear a basketball with the underside painted skin color, and put a belly button on it to boot and spent the rest of the money on beer in Melbourne. THE JOKES ON U SIDDHARTH (director). Her costume reveals her naked tummy so that we can go ooh look at her tummy ..eww yuck gross. Anyways back to the story. Finally Nick feels that he is in love with Preity's tummy and then decides to reconcile. Usual heart wrenching dialogues etc and we have the couple reuniting in the end - couple in the sense - Saif and Arshad, Preity and Tanya. What were you thinking?
And as if this wasnt enough torture, we have Abhishek Bachan in a cameo. Someone needs to get a restraining order on the Bachhan family prohibiting them coming anywhere within 500 miles of a camera (including any cell phone ones). Seriously, wonder when will we ever have a hindi movie without a Bachhan in it?

I was actually moved to tears right after the interval. Not because of anything in the move, but because my friend ate all my popcorn and drank all the pepsi. Go watch the movie, if you are the types who cant get enough of the Karan-faggot-Johar movies, or those who go oooh-bollywood-is-soooooo-daring nowadays (errr just coz they show a couple living together? sheesh) or if you are into Sado-Masochism. Dont tell me I didnt warn you though :))))

Breaking News

2005-09-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

Check this link out... Cheap Bastards
Wouldnt be surprised if these pricks bundle the software with iTunes , so that iTunes would install only with this software. Look at the implications !!!. But if they are planning to ask people to voluntarily download and install it on their systems ..then tough luck. What next? Ask serial killers to promise on their mothers that they didnt murder? Like I read somewhere this is similar to giving a thief a match to set fire to the money he stole and also a gun so that he could shoot himself!!.

Chaos

2005-08-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

Another post to crib and this time about the bangalore traffic. First of all bangalore as a city , doesnt have traffic, Its got madness. Scientists say that there cannot be something as a perfect chaos. Well, sadly none of these so called scientists have ever been to bangalore. I am sure that if the universe is born out of chaos, we must be having a couple of them bursting every minute in M.G Road. Trust me, drivers in bangalore have as much courtesy as a bull in a china shop.

Normally when I drive down to Bangalore from Chennai, I take the Chittoor route. The best way to know if you have arrived in Bangalore is by checking the roads. If you see a guy furiously digging his nose in the middle of the road, unmindful of the traffic jam he is causing, chances are you are in Bangalore. Actually it IS kinda tough, coz this would apply to people inside the AP border too. The way to distinguish is by looking carefully at whether he is also reading the newspaper while engaged in the ritual ...which is a definite giveaway of arrival in Bangalore.

Inside Bangalore, the best way to drive would be to close your eyes and sleep while at the wheel. That would make you even with the rest of the nincompoops. Sorry guru, I was sleeping at the wheel is an acceptable apology here. Here are some pointers to help you drive in Bangalore:
a)Signals are purely for decorative purposes. Some guy who designed the roads, took a long serious look and thought "Hey theres something missing here" and put a signal. Brilliant Einstein, but that happened to be a one way........dead end!!!!. So who cares? The corporation has a couple of extra signals and we got some free too!
b) If a driver in Bangalore, has an indicator flashing, dont think he is going to turn. Chances are it was that way, when he bought the vehicle.
c) If you are a pedestrian, the biggest crime you can ever commit, is waiting for the traffic to let you pass. The best way to cross a busy road is to take your cell phone, speak on it using one hand and wave at the nearby car with your other hand (as if the driver is a close friend) and just keep walking.
d) Learn to curse. The more colorful your language, the faster you can go on the roads. If you know to swear in 3 or more languages, you are the master of the roads.
e) Speed breakers are present not as a speed deterrent, but more so that you can get that exhilarating feeling that you are actually driving on a dirt track. The more tricks you accomplish on the speed breakers, gets you more points and lowers your tax.
f) The guys standing at the junctions wearing white and khakis are not actually cops. They are the guys appointed by the govt to ensure that you dont spend your hard earned money on booze or partying. Rather, they take it from you and invest in shares on your behalf. After 200 years, you get the money with interest. This investment is called as "bakshish", "bribe", "kuch de dho saab" etc.
g) If you see a bus on a road, dont get paranoid. Chances are that the driver is equally paranoid and cant tell the gas pedal from the brakes. The only two things that a bus driver stops for are buffaloes and a truck. The only thing a truck driver stops for is a buffalo. The only thing a buffalo stops for are cinema posters. Since, ever wall adjoining every road on the city is dotted with posters, every road has traffic jams. Since these buffalo's back is most itchy during 8-11 AM and between 5-7 PM, these are the times that the roads are maximum congested.
h) If a foreigner walks by you are expected to drop everything, including your appendix operation and stare at him/her. This is the most polite thing to do in Bangalore.
i) The majority of Bangalore's trade happens at signals. This is probably the only place in the world where you can everything from a Rubiks cube to Adidas sun glasses at your car step. If you can talk to them avoiding the beggars that is.
j) The autorickshaws that you find in the city are mostly for private uses. 99.9% of them operate only for the driver and his immediate family. If an auto does stop when you hail one, it is just because the driver is tired of driving and needs a beedi. On the rare occasion when an auto driver does agree to ferry you to your destination, then the normal fare is double the price shown on the meter. This is because of everything on earth - from rising gas prices to the dirahoeaa that his great aunt suffers from. Haggle only if you are prepared to walk back.

So if you are still bent on driving in bangalore .....then sit back, close your eyes, turn on the volume, read a novel and DRIVEEE......

The wanderer

2005-08-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

It all started with one mistake,
Brought in for no ones sake.
Grew up as a child of hate
One day he starts the search for his fate
He has no where to go,no one left to see,
With just the clouds over him and the sand at his feet,
Everything was said and everything was done,
He is there in the middle of nowhere all alone.
Wherever he turned it was all the same,
Miles of emptiness,but nothing he could claim.

EVeryone calls him the wanderer,
EVeryone calls him the wanderer,
EVeryone calls him the wanderer,
His real name no one can remember.

The sun is going down, the stars are out,
But he is young and trudges on.
No shelter from the rain, no respite from the pain,
Our man keeps going on.
Head held high and facing the sky,
He walks towards a borrowed destiny.
Searching and searching for solutions
Finding only questions and gets disillusioned
Not knowing if the path is right,
He keeps following the light.

EVeryone calls him the wanderer,
EVeryone calls him the wanderer,
EVeryone calls him the wanderer,
Not one step does he falter.

Now he is weak and frail and Wonders if he will fail
To reach the promised land before being eaten by the sand.
Throwing caution to the winds, he runs
But he is no match for the sinking sun,
Setting his sight finally on the pot of gold,
and Only finds that he is too old.
With one sigh his lips part,
And his entire history flashes past
His light fades out and the desert is in a daze,
Losing its son , so near and yet so far away.

EVeryone called him the wanderer,
EVeryone called him the wanderer,
EVeryone called him the wanderer,
But now he is six feet under.

Guitar is easy, all it takes is 5 fingers, 6 strings and 1 asshole - Keith Richards

2005-08-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

N - Fuckin Sync

Being a music fan(atic) isnt really easy nowadays. With the billboard being filled with people like Gwen Stefani, Destiny's Child etc. I mean why dont people actually listen to their songs occasionally with the wax removed from their ears? Isnt music supposed to inspire people?Check out the billboard and we have Mariah Carey (pukeeeeee), Busta Rhymes, A band called as Pussycat Dolls (ewwww), Missy Elliot comprising most of the top 10 places. The rest I am not even sure who they are . The only decent act in the top 10 is Lifehouse at No 8. Looking back 15 years, I could see Mariah Carey (still). But there were other acts - Aerosmith, Steve Vai, Poison, Motley Crue etc. There were some stupid bands, but the number of ridiculous bands have increased 10 fold. Anyone who can strum is a guitarist and anyone who can burp is a vocalist and releases an album.

I dont want to be labelled as a "RETRO" guy but looking at stuff coming out nowadays, I think I am a misfit in 2005 when my music taste dates to the '70s. Do we have a single decent act now? Either we got people screaming and shouting and trying to pass as rock stars or we have boy bands and girl bands who probably are taking a major career decision as to whether to get toilet trained or we have a bunch of "been-there, done that" guys who refuse to pass on the mantle to younger bands (which is actually ok if the new bands are gonna be like this). I dont have anything against Boy Bands, The Beatles and Pink Floyd WERE boy bands. But I do have a problem with the new Boy Bands who refuse to grow out of diapers.

And by the way why is that every song needs to be mushy if it has to be acclaimed? Everyone sings about love, lost and found love, heterosexual love, homosexual love, love for their pets. Either that or we have pseudo sentimental songs by people who cant judge a used tampon from a refrigerator passing deep philosophical thoughts on life. Fuck the drug drenched woodstock, fuck attitude, these guys have what it takes to be a STAR and that in a couple of words are : slick, dyed hair, tattoos of snakes and a fungus on their chin to pass off as a beard. Half the dicks arent even old enough to grow a beard.

There was a program on VH1 about Justin Timberlakes fortunes and is he rich!!!!. If a guy with a voice which sounds like a cross between Oprahs and Dick Cheney, could make THIS money, then I think something is seriously wrong with the world. Heres my take on a few of the "STARS"
a) Britney Spears: The only thing worth watching are Britney's pears
b)Christina Aguilera: Looks like a whore, sounds like a whore....but dont let that fool you , coz she IS a whore.
c) Backstreet Boys: Need I say anything? The GAYEST thing to happen to music. The band which was single handedly responsible in making me hate MTV (well Spice Girls did help though).
d) Gwen Stefani: Pop Diva huh?? The only thing that would have popped has to be her hymen and even she wouldnt be having fond memories of that.
I can go on and on... But let me limit myself.

When Plant adlibs "Does anyone remember laughter?" it makes people think. When I hear a Floyd song, it makes you feel!!. Music is about feeling and I am not talking about feeling your crotch (ala MJ). Wheres the Jim Morrison attitude? Wheres the "Are you guys fuckin or is it just the speakers" from Steven Tyler? Wheres the bat eating gimmicks of ozzy? Well I think to sum up the main difference is that those guys had an attitude and wore it on their sleeve, these guys have as much attitude as a 7 day old roadkill and still wear it on their sleeve. I rest my case :)

Why I Will Never Have A GirlFriend

2005-08-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

Guys ...YOU NEED TO READ THIS.
Why I will never have a girlfriend

Is there anybody out there?

2005-07-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

I was wasting time as usual at office reading random stuff on the net when something piqued my interest. It was about life in space, aliens, end of the world etc you get the picture. Havent thought on these lines now, for a very long time. Not sure what made me think about these things yesterday - my innate curiosity in things which span comprehension levels or the RC half I had. Whatever the cause, this is the crux:
Isnt it possible that the galaxy has already been colonized? In the sense, colonizing need not necessarily mean invading another planet and treating the inhabitants like slaves. An advanced life form might look at primitive life forms in the same way as we look at bugs and feel repulsive. Now they could look at colonizing by crossing their gene pool with that of the most advanced species on earth - which would have been the apes leading to us humans. Whether this is actually a step in the forward direction I am not sure, but possible nevertheless. Further, this would also explain why we have never found the "missing link" cause there is none!.
Lots of things fall in place when you consider this possibility like:
1) Humans appeared suddenly. This is unparalleled in the history of evolution. Things don't happen suddenly. Although yesterday I read that a a new species of flies evolved to adapt to the environment changes. But this was an evolution in the sense they "changed" themselves as they couldn't get the food they were used to. Humans have a different story. How is it that an intelligent being (though a lot of people I know, makes me doubt this particular sentence) evolved from apes?
2) Every religion has its own Gods who "apparently" descended from the space in flying ships on fire etc etc. Flying saucers or effects of Marijuans - can't decide. Further every ancient religion (egyptian, aztec, harappan mayan etc) were technologically so advanced that their constructions etc could be matched only in the last 50 years. How would that be possible without external help. 5000 years egyptians built the pyramids, 4800 years later we built the Statue of Liberty!!!!. What a downward spiral. The Kailasa Temple, Konark, Indus Valley Civilization, Mayan civilization, Easter Island...would all these things be possible by just humans who still think digital watches are cool (borrowing from Hitchhikers guide...) .
Further to cause a drastic change in species, it has been proved, that you dont need a drastically different set of chromosomes. Man's chromosomes dont differ much from the fruitfly's. So did someone inject just a couple of the right chromosomes into apes a few thousand years back??
Possibly we ourselves might be the proof that intelligent life does exist somewhere else. Earth itself could be a colony.

Sarkar

2005-07-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

VS

The quote in the movie goes like "There are no rights and wrongs. Only power...and a bad case of halitosis". Ram gopal varma's tribute to Godfather.
According to dictionary.com, tribute's definition goes like : A formal token of appreciation and admiration for a person's high achievements. I don't see how a copy (and that too such a shoddy one) can aim to be called a tribute. Of course people might argue that it is not fair comparing the two, but when every scene is borrowed, then it does ask for comparison.
Heres a list of ways Sarkar differs from Godfather:
1. Oft repeated, but still...for Don Corleone, everything was business nothing personal, for Subash Nagre everything is personal, nothing is business.
2. Godfather makes an offer you cant refuse. Sarkar makes offers that you should not refuse.
3. Sonny Corleone is an angry guy who respects and loves his father. Vishnu is an asshole.
4. Godfather never lets anyone outside the family knows what he is thinking. Sarkar never lets anyone in the family know what he is thinking.
5. The Godfather keeps his friends close, but his enemies closer. Sarkar..umm well never mind.
6. The Godfather is an intelligent guy who is the head of a mafia leader. Sarkar thinks he is intelligent and runs a family, but all that runs is the milk in his moustache.

This movie is not just a debauchery of one of the greatest movies ever made, but also makes fun of those who watch it. Why on earth cant one of the Bachhans think for a change? Shankar Nagare actually RUNS from his enemies. RGV has insulted the entire Godfather history with just this one scene. Cant even think of Michael Corleone running from his enemies. Why cant anyone think straight for a change in this movie. These guys are supposed to run an entire mafia business here. Cant they even expect their elder son would have ulterior motives when he comes back home one fine day??
The villains in the movie are even more pathetic. While Solozzo the Turk. ,was just a pawn of Don Barzini, he seems to pull the strings in Sarkar. OK granted that the movie need not be an exact copy. But who on earth told the Hindi movie directors that anyone coming back from Dubai has a very disoriented sense of style and always grows some fungus under his nose? The other guys are still worse. We dont have a Tattaglia but instead some Telugu movie villain who would probably be at home in a C grade Telugu flick essaying one of the most important characters. If this was the comedy element, then sadly RGV lacks the common sense to comprehend the magnitude of such a debacle. We also have a "swamiji" who is the planner. And finally the equivalent of Don Barzini..the Maharashtra CM who actually Abhishek Bachhan unravels in the end.

The only saving grace happened to be Kay Kay who portrays Sonny Corleone. He is the true villain of the movie. A nice move in making Sonny Corleone the villain of the desi Godfather. But this again has to be expected - family sentiments :). Katrina Kaif looks like a million bucks but is sadly short changed. Honestly Kay's role wasnt much in Godfather and we got enough stunners here in bollywood who look great but deliver nothing. Appolonio's character is played by Tanishaa. Poor girl apparently must have got a sever case of spondylitis after nodding her head a million times for every sentence.

The biggest blow was with the Luca Brasi character. The Mario Puzo book gives a lot of space for Luca Brasi and portrays him as the only man the Don feared. The Godfather cuts his role short (which I feel was the only bad thing in the movie). Sarkar goes one step further and he is killed before his introduction.

Ok here are some of the other main drawbacks. The movie never really establishes why Sarkar is all powerful. While Godfather establishes the Dons supremacy with words (The scene where Michael Corleone tells Kay about his father making the band leader of Johnny Fontaine's band an offer he couldnt refuse), this movie fails miserably. Why is this guy powerful? Coz he has some cronies who bash up a college kid with a dumbbell? Coz he salivates while drinking his milk from a saucer?.
The Godfather never raises his voice coz he feels that if you let anyone else know you are angry, thats a weakness. But our Sarkar yells at everyone.
Nino Rotas background track is still being talked about as the best track ever. Sarkars track is an aberration. Jarring at times, and inaudible otherwise. Sometimes it even masks the spoken word.

In conclusion the only thing I got to say is if RGV really wanted to pay a tribute to the greatest movie ever made, he should have made a different movie and made passing references ala Mani Ratnam in Nayakan. RGV thinks too much of his abilities and delivers a dud. You just cannot rewrite the Bible!!!

Airport Security

2005-06-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

If you ask me to list the top 10 people in the world who have their heads farthest up their asses....airport security folks would rank somewhere near the top. The worst part is that it is the same, whichever airport you are in the world.
I was told that in some cities, you would have to take a qualifying exam to work as a security guard at the airport. This is probably the only exam where the bottom 20% makes the cut I think.
This time I was met with very courteous staff in the Bangalore airport who mistook a laptop chain I have in my bag for probably a guided missile and I had to take it off and show them how to operate it. I wonder which explosive is long (about a meter), thin and has a lock at one end. Well apart from that my clearance was pretty much ok.
One thing which I really think is that if anyone ever needed a blueprint for making an idiot, all you got to do is talk to a security guard at an airport. Preferably the one at Manila. I had a deep, thought provoking conversation with the immigration guy there which went like this:

He: "Why do you want to come to Philippines"
Me: "Business"
"What business"
"None of yours"

Then on to the customs guys

"Do you have anything to declare"
"Well I normally grow copious amounts of ganja and sell it to teenagers and kids. I also deal in supply of arms to the third world countries and have been tried on 3 counts of murder, grand larceny and arson. I think a majority of the airline crew have their own private cells in the primate section of the zoo. The airport staff here cant take a dump if their toilet papers arent numbered. Apart from that I dont have anything else"

How can I forget the baggage checking!!! Well if I were a terrorist, do you really think that I am gonna take some explosives in my hand luggage? Our guys in India take the cake. If they find a matchbox and a pack of cigarettes when they frisk you, they keep the matches. But if you keep it in your hand baggage, its ok. Wow Einstein!. Manila had their own security system, They put a security guard in every place they can think of.

"Sir I need to frisk you"
"Well and I NEED to go to the Rest room"
"Ok After I check you"
Mannnn!!! Do people have no other job other than blowing up stinking toilets and paper rolls? They even have a dog sniffing your bags.
"Brutus. Thats a DILDO not a bone..Now give it back to the nice lady there!!"

Back!!

2005-06-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

Hey ppz!. Came back to bang-alore today morning after a 2 week trip to KL and Manila.
After a gruelling 11 flights in the 2 weeks, finally I get to stretch my legs :).
Now for the interesting part....
One thing that I would really like to find out is WHO THE HELL creates those airline menus? The only interesting stuff that I had in all my flights was my old friend Johnnie Walker....and even WE need to take something solid once in a while. Eating airline food is probably the best form of torture known to man...and we have to pay for it. SIA helpfully gives a MENU. But the best part is you get to choose between two equally unsavory dishes like Cigar Butts in Gallstone sauce vs Sauteed puke with grilled snot in a thick mucous gravy. They might have other names, but the content remains the same. Well now that I have made a point, on to more interesting stuff (well the following might contain some graphic descriptions and are not suited for the weak at heart).
After helpfully forgetting to include my frequent flier number during the booking, I was faced with the SIA agent in Changi who was like "Cannot update la...you are not having Y (she made it sound like WHYYYYYYYYY) booking la" Thanks a lot and by the way bitch, did you have a frontal lobotomy done during your coffee break la? Why do they have to suffix every goodam line with a la is probably the stuff thesis are made of.
One thing about Changi is that it is HUGE!. I am talkin about an almost city in itself. Getting down from the flight, I was trying to find out where the smoking room was..and everyone was helpful "Can smoke la....about 5 mins from here la, take the escalator la" Its easier finding a street in Triplicane in Chennai actually. After not really wanting to wait there for 3 hours (my stopover) went to the same SIA helpdesk and asked her if she could book me in an earlier flight
"Cannot la, flights are full la".
"Could you try please, you have a nice airport, but the people with yeast infection actually bother me?"
"Ok la, you can have a waitlisted ticket" ...eh what does that mean? I travel standing?
Well did manage to get a seat and then had to rush through about 45 odd terminals and gates before finding the right one.
Came to KL and these guys have a frickin train inside the airport. Is it the wow factor you expect morons? I can picture the conversation which would have gone when building the airport..
"Hey dude you know what we need an immigration dept near the place where people arrive"
"Arrive la? what do u mean"
"Like people coming from other countries, you might wanna check them"
"Well we have 3 empty cubicles inside the city la"
"Immigration is supposed to be BEFORE they enter the city ..Einstein"
"No problem la, we can have a train and people will be like....wwwwowww they have a trrrraaaaain inside the airport"
3 months later they found the worm eaten corpse of the architect who designed the airport.
Took a cab to a hotel at Petaling Jaya(name hidden to protect the privacy of all parties concerned. Lets just say it was supposedly a five star hotel, with the decor - a mix of a funeral parlor and an icecream shop, owned by a blonde supermodel who shares the same first name as that of a famous city in france and who was recently in the news for having her home sex video sneaked onto the internet...Tel: +60-3-79559122 Fax: +60-3-79553909 45 minutes from the KL airport).
Well this particular hotel must have been a mortuary and to avoid mobilizing new staff, someone had the brilliant idea of using the same laborers. The undertaker was given the job of the receptionist, the funeral boys were the bell boys and the graves were converted to rooms ...TV was added as an after thought. There are some basic needs that a hotel must fulfill. One of them is SOAP. You would find an idea about the hotel when you need to call up room service for soap. "No la...no soap la, shall I add it to your room bill la?" Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And to think of it , I havent even started.... no drinking water either, so it was back to calling room service.
"Excuse me, but I have travelled close to 8 hours now, I would like to have some water to drink"
"No water in room la??? Tap not working?"
"No i need water to drink"
"ok la....its there in the mini bar"
"I am NOT paying 25 Ringgits for a bottle of water.. I need some water to drink"
"I will send a boy right now la, he will get you some ice water ..were you satisfied with the service la"
"Ya veryyy much thank you, I havent seen such customer service even in Govt Offices in India"
"Thaaaaaank you very much la"
Well someone did bring water in a ..hold your breath ...a vase (the same stuff you use for storing your plants). Technically it was water, but in a solid form. What do these guys expect anyways? Give the customer some ice when he orders water. What will you get when you order an omelette? A chicken and a DIY manual????
Will update the rest later...

A break

2005-05-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

Yo! PPl. Apologies to all those who felt that I wasnt writing much nowadays. When you hafta interact with people who have about the same intellect as nostril hair, your entire day gets spent doing idiotic stuff. Hence I guess I was too busy like spending an hour arguing with a lame ass dude about how to operate a coke machine and another two hours with the admin folks on shifting my desk.
The best stress reliever (besides you-know-what) is picking up the phone, diallin a call center number of some credit card agency or your mobile's and shouting at them. People need to vent their frustration at someone. Try screaming at your boss and you might have to search for a new job. My point is thats probably the reason why so many call centers are mushrooming. Give it a try.. I did it for the last one week, had the best time of my life.
Anyways, I guess I will be busy again for the next 2 weeks as I am off to Malaysia and Philippines. Will update once I am back. Till then, ta!

Of Baby Birds and Baby Bees

2005-03-07T02:38:00.000-08:00

What distinguishes man from other species in no specific order are:
a) His ability to identify with other's experiences
b) Ability to blame others for disgusting bodily noises (Ever seen a pig do that?).
c) Make annoying telemarketing calls and…..
d) Ability to think only one thing at a time for 99% of your life and this one thing is sex. (The other 1% is the actual process of doing it).

So no wonder that this initiation comes at a very early stage in a man's life (although there are some who are better off not being initiated at all). In a lot of countries, you got schools teaching students with visual aids ("How come they can do THAT when we aren't allowed to pick our noses?" is a very common retort observed amongst 10 yr olds who get initiated).

Further the self realization path followed is different for men and women. While women bother more about identifying correctly the different shades of mauve, lilac and beige, men are concerned with more pressing things like
a) Pee Literature - The ability to write with pee.
b) The amount of beer that wouldn't alert the cop catching you on the streets and most importantly
c) SEX.

The normal age for "induction" is between 12 and 14 for normal Indian males, which is quite commendable despite the efforts taken by BJP. Although this age has phenomenally reduced over the ages. I can bet that possibly 4 generations back, someone had to "educate" the groom going in for suhaag raat. A normal conversation that your great great great grandfather must have had would be:

Son: "Exactly where do babies come from?"
Dad: "Shhhhh you are too young for that"
Son: "But everyday my wife keeps asking me that question!!"

So a generation back, growing up in the eighties, prior to the advent of cable television and regulated porn, meant watching DD. DD with its programming head thinking that "The ideal mix of fertilizers to improve your wheat yield by 10%" would somehow interest the vast majority of people. The regular news program involved a solitary microphone being thrust on the poor soul being interviewed with the sole intent of making a dent in his molars. Chitrahaar didn't involve skimpy babes and a pole. Further you cannot really try to resolve things when you have so many pests in your house…oops I mean guests. "Mom can you tell me what Nirodh is?" would mean a look that people normally reserved for questions like "What is that yellow lump of putty that I recently took from my left armpit". The teenagers would probably leave everything including their tonsil operation for seeing Satyam Shivam Sundaram. Life had its own dilemmas then.

Our "initiation" took place when we were in 5th class. Prior to this every one of us had his own beliefs on how kids are born. Some blamed it on the stork and others had a vague idea about something involving a woman.

Like almost every neighborhood, we also had an all-knowing guy called Tub. Now Tub was aptly named because he was known to cause partial solar eclipses when he jumps and his clothes were the size of a small African country. Although he seriously competed with a fungus in the IQ department, he was a walking encyclopedia on sex. This could have been either because he had a collection of books which made sense only if held sideways or because he was 25. Tub went to college and by this he meant the neighborhood paan shop. He had an "account" for all the cigarettes he bought from there and according to well informed sources, this "account" would have single handedly wiped India's deficit and still have enough left over to put a man on Mars.

On one fine day, when this kid called Anand innocently wondered why Ashok's new baby sister had an important organ missing, Tub took the onerous task of educating us. We marched to Tub's room which was a veritable storehouse for anything pornographic. Tub not only saw the pictures, but also marked them with important notes like "My Playground", "Enter here" or by drawing some extra bodily hair. He diligently went through each article published in Debonair and had even submitted some corrections. He also had a collection of video tapes which would have put Hugh Hefner to shame with titles like "Ancient Desires", "Sorority Babes" and so on. His room was the only place known to scientists where the observable laws of physics breakdown.

That was the day we learnt the truth about birds and bees and how the baby birds and baby bees come into the world. We learnt that the only role storks had in human procreation was as a deterrent. The only 100% effective contraceptive was if one partner spent time gazing at storks while the other spent time writing humor articles.

We also learnt the actual meanings of words that fathers use when they are driving or when they saw our physics teacher.
From then on life became more colorful. That summer day of 1989 was the day 4 young kids came of age.

The kids of the nineties don't need to take any extra effort. All they need to do is to watch TV with channels holding public debates like "Chasing the female multiple orgasms - Myth or Mystery - sms a) if you think it is a myth, b) if you think it is a mystery and c) for d-uh". Surf a bit and you find nymphets gyrating to some old Hindi tunes with a dress that would make Baywatch costume designers scratching their head and thinking "Now why on earth didn't I think of that?" Any TV program or commercial you want to watch today is better watched alone or with your blind, deaf and dumb grandma because it is going to be awfully tough to look disinterested when you watch with family especially when you start drooling all over. Also, the worlds greatest invention - the internet was invented with the sole purpose of dishing out porn to the hungry audiences. No wonder that the only online saleable business is pornography.

My theory is this, any kid is going to learn the truth about birds and bees sooner or later (and sometimes like my great great great grandfather...really late) despite the valiant attempts done by the self righteous politicians. Today, we have sex rampant in everything - from cellular phone ring tones to newspaper headlines. It is better to handle this correctly by teaching kids in school (although without practicals) than letting them learn it on their own from some neighborhood kid named "Tub". And to finish…Tub if you ever read this, I wouldn't be half the man I am today without your valuable insights and I will never forgive you for making me believe for 15 years that kissing causes AIDS.

Sheesh(ahhhh) What a movie

2005-02-18T04:23:00.000-08:00

One of my friends asked me if I could ever write without criticizing something or the other. So here's my attempt for her....a review of the greatest movie ever made in Hindi - sheesha!!!!
*ing Neha Dhupia in a double role...What else can u ask for? Every man's dream ..and now u can fantasize twice without any guilt attached. With a generous display of flesh which might make your mom or girlfriend squirm (well if u do see the movie with them, then i guess u either smoke and drink with ur dad or u plan to indulge in group sex with ur girl friend). Ya and there were some more ppl in the movie too.

For those who have seen the tamil flick valee, this movie is not a major surprise. With Ms Dhupia enacting the role played by ajit. This is pbly the equivalent of asking Pamela anderson to play Tom Hanks's role in Philadelphia.Not that I am comparing Ajit with Mr. Hanks, but still the comparison stands. With beautifully thought about names like Dia and Ria for the Dhupia twins. One of them is deaf and dumb... well both are dumb, though one can speak. Trust me, this was the confusing part even for myself. Both fall in love with the same dude. Now this guy ..Sood has a lot of attitude, by that I mean if his girl friend catches him in the act with someone else, he would pbly slap her in the butt and say "Bitch u next"!!!. Apart from that his acting comes a full circle and a full circle in most parts of the world means a zero.

So one Dhupia marries this dude while the other is jealous.Now for some strange reason, the handicapped Dhupia thinks its really cool lookin at her sis and her hubby make love and thinks its even more cool to set fire to the house during that time. Now this is where it gets interesting. You should see Mademoiselle Dhupia talkin in sign language, this itself is worth the prize of the ticket. So after the marriage, our heroine needs to fly abroad for some "important" biz work leaving our hero stranded with the other Dhupia in the Dhupia mansion. So there we are with our hero with loads of attitude, a bimbo with about the same IQ level as that of a fungus with Alzheimers and whose normal dress involve showing off her cleavage, her navel and her imagination and a house with a swimming pool.

To say that se tries to seduce this guy is an understatement, she almost begs him to take her and remember she is dumb so she needs to communicate in sign language. Unfortunately most of the male population polled missed the exquisite scene when she tries communicating with her hands and were more focussed on seeing her communicate with her body. Trust me, even I had missed the scene, until one of my friends asked me if I noticed that scene, thereby revealing his sexual orientation.

Our heroine tries to protect the hero by bashing up baddies who accidentally get into close proximity with our guy. And bashing up like real bashing up. Now this is one girl who acts before she thinks (if she does any thinking at all). At this time our hero's wife returns from US and then tries to convince him that since her sis cant speak/hear she communicates by touching the other person which is perfectly natural. If all girls were so accomodative, guys dont really have to change girl friends.
Neha Dhupia in some interview said that she did all the steamy scenes only coz the story demanded it. So it goes on to say that in the next movie if she plays a mom ...she needs to take pains to show how exactly she had those kids and all their failed attempts. Some parts of the world, they are called blue films.

Well this is probably the next logical step for Bollywood to get into. Waiting with bated breath to see how Mallika Sherawat would reply to this!!!

One final word of caution- watch the movie if you are a loser who cant get a girl and is best friends with your own hand.

The Intrepid Bachelor Who Once Cleaned Up His Room

2005-02-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

The Intrepid Bachelor Who Once Cleaned Up His Room

Looked at my top 10 things to do and found update the darn blog (well it was actually at #7 right after "Save the world" at #6 and "Make sure that the electricity does not get cut at #5).

Actually things are inter related. About the #6 item, I was equally divided on whether to save the world by going and killing the corrupt politicians and did some rough mathematics and found that probably there are as many of them as the number of flies on the half eaten pizzas lying around and then as proclaimed in the Zen philosphy, I had a moment of vision. Decided that this killin business was better left to professionals like the TV anchormen and women and the mega-serials and thought that I could do the world a fair amount of good by actually cleaning up my room. And thats how the saga of "The intrepid bachelor who once actually cleaned up his room began".

Our story begins one fine saturday morning...the kind of morning that you find yourself after having a heavy round of drinking and your dress smelling like it was washed with some new scented "cigarette smoke" washing soap. Well I guess most of us know the kind I am talkin about and the reason that my clothes ended up that was actually it was preceeded by a night of heavy drinking and head banging. So getting up one feels like the way human excreta must feel while being flushed -- wasted. Never bothered to ask them whether they had head aches but mine was almost splittin.And again, the general smell emanating from my room didnt make me feel any better..made me feel worse actually. To know better, you need to have an idea about how my room looked like.
My bed room is probably the only place known to scientists where the observable laws of physics breakdown. If they told u that the early universe was in a state of perfect chaos..DONT BLIVE THEM!!Till u take a look here. For e.g u would realize that the answer to one of the most fundamental particle physics questions - How many pizza boxes can u balance one on top of the other? could be answered.. Ans is 14. Answer might change if u have some half eaten pizza crumbs inside.

Now these cartons were lined up right next to the bed. Heres a tip: Empty pizza cartons lined up one on top of the other next to your bed makes for an amazing place to keep your remote right next to where you need it. If you look further down, you would also find 88 empty bottles of beer right next to a Calvin and Hobbes poster. Ya I know this is kinda low number...but I had to throw away the older bottles coz my landlord made a scheduled visit last month. Also in the cupboard you might find more than a 100 empty cartons of Gold flake Kings. My bed itself is a good candidate for a research topic like: "The preference for a static system to lean towards a state of perpetual chaos" or "How to find shit buried under a mountain of empty clothes".

If you think that you are the king of all that you see, I am the ruler of chaos. So I wanted to acheive the impossible - prove that you can bring order into chaos. Try to get some fractals or something out of the system if I feel. Armed with nothing more than a Vacuum cleaner, some cleaning fluid , a box of munchies (well u cant expect me to work on an empty stomach can you?) and a bottle of Fosters (wtf?? U expect me to eat the munchies without beer?), I set about CLEANING UP MY ROOM.

For all those tryin to clean their rooms....heres a tip: Start from the place which requires the least cleaning coz if u give up halfway u can still look at that place , rub your chin and say "Nice job huh?". I thought the cleanest place was the computer table ...till I opened the drawer and found that some intrepid roaches also felt the same way and had made it their home. Raid on ur computer can create problems and I am talkin abt real problems like losing your mp3 collection, (here's the R rated part - excessive violence and gore depiction)so I decided to manually kill those bastards (this is a better method, gives you some pleasure too..if some find it disgusting to do this, give a colleague's name to each one of them..dodge THIS Sam, Kishore Mutha......eat this and die u bastard ....Boss heres for that appraisal... U SHUDNT HAVE GIVEN ME A 4, U REALLY SHUDNT HAVE!!!!).

Beyond the roaches was darkness and then some CDs which had no right to be there. Just reached in and found some spiders inside, squished them (refer above) , collected the CDs and saw that one of them was the long lost porn movie (Lord of the G-Strings) and put it over my DVD( their ordering comes later). Threw the rest into the garbage can. Next I focussed on the computer. 9000 bucks of flat screen bliss which was my viewport for killing all the vermins in innumerable computer games looked bleakly with a good amount of carrot juice stains(thanks to my drunk friend who insisted on shootin some bots after drinkin 3 pitchers and had an insatiable urge to drink carrot juice). But these can be washed or so I thought and some good stain remover did a decent job. I cud actually read the letters on Kurt Cobains suicide note on my wallpaper. Ok job well done! Calls for some more of the beer and realized that there was none left.. Well I did something good and got myself another beer.

The pizza boxes were easy, just took them outside and dumped them (the pizzas, the roaches and all other despicable things outside). One carton opened up when I threw it and there was some green goo which looked suspiciously like something out of a stephen king book. Ever wonder what those small tripods kinda stuff that you get in any pizza box are for?. Same process for cigarette boxes. Beer bottles slightly complicated. Coz glass breaks and u dont want those mother f****rs makin a hole in ur foot when u come home after some heavy duty drinking. So I did what any self respecting 26 yr old bachelor would do...threw the stuff in my neighbors garage. Ok operation clear room done. Another uhhh WHERES THE FRIGGIN BEER? Another trip to the cooler :)

Time to reorder my clothes. For those who think this is easy, picture clothes piled up on each other stretching till half the room height right on your bed. And these are clothes that arent washed. Underwear, shirts, tees, sweater, jackets, trousers, etc etc. Talk about moving mountains. Decided to just put them all in the laundry bag. Took me almost an hour to get this done and half way down, the poor bag gave up. Had to collect all the stuff again and was faced with a problem of finding a replacement. Time to be resourceful. Again another tip: The place under your bed is a lot of unused place which can hold a lot of clothes. Hey these are clothes to be washed. And any 1st grader would tell you that washing removes dirt , so no problem in adding some more dirt to your already dirty clothes by putting them under your bed...even if they have roach and lizard shit...coz they wash away easily. Just add some perfume to the washing solution. Ok another beer hic. Thats 4 down

Pretty neat ..uh oh the cds and dvds?? Well thats about the only thing which is of value around here. Another tip: U got a curtain rod where u hang some curtains? Some of them might be thin enough so that u can slip your cds and dvds there.. thats my home improvement tip. But this seriously damages the prospect of being played again. So make sure that the cds u hang there are of only britney spears/NSync or some crap like that. Important stuff like "Shut up and blow me" or "Honey I blew the kids- 3 in 1 dvd havin 2 more titles called Ancient desires and The awakening of Gabriella - part 3 (1 and 2 suck big time) need to be placed appropriately in their boxes and kept somewhere safe. Under the bed not a good option, but wud make do if you need to hide them suddenly if your girl friend or mom makes a trip. Another tip is that the place between your mattress and your bed have a lot of unused space where u can place mags, dvds and cds which u wanna hide. Just ensure that you keep them somewhere near the head so that they dont get damaged.

By now my room appeared to be spic and span .Well a couple of beers makes even a girl who resembles something the cat brought in look like Angeline Jolie, imagine what it would do a semi - clean room? So that calls for celebration right? Another beer.

If any of u want anymore tips, do ask me, we can discuss it over some BEER!!

IT status quo ..Are we there?

2004-12-20T06:41:00.000-08:00

Baaze.com CEO arrested. Another feather in the cap of our IT dept... amazing. Reminds me of an anecdote.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response - all of the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Replace the third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Do the same with the remaining monkeys which have been hosed with the cold water. Now we have a situation where there are 5 monkeys in which not even one has any idea about the cold water being sprayed, but still no one tries to reach for the bananas..Why???

"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."

Isnt this what has been done with the CEO of bazee? If he is responsible for this crap, then we need to arrest everyone right from the president and prime minister of India. After all isnt it the Prime Ministers duty to see that the sanctum sanctorum of Indian sentiments is maintained? Ok how about arresting Bill Gates coz I got a couple of emails about penis enlargement devices and about MILF (Mothers I love to F*** which was very helpfully mentioned in the subject line). How also about arresting Michael Dell as a DELL PC was used for creating offensive clips?

More than this being a cyber porn case, it is even more pertinent that it is a case of child pornography which MUST be dealt with as strongly. After all the hype about IT law act etc, this is not even just a step backward, this is like bungee jumping without the ropes.

Hope someone does something or we might never have another NRI setting up shop in India. 7.5% growth p.a ?Balls! With acts like these, we should be happy even if we have a positive growth.